Murder Mystery: Cyanide apo da Croft

I’ve written a number of murder mysteries for performance by our drama group. Good luck with this one - it’s written in the Shetland dialect! Here are the opening scenes. For the full text and performance permissions, please contact me via the ‘Contact’ page.

Cyanide apo da Croft

A Shetland Murder Mystery

by

Marsali Taylor

Copyright Marsali Taylor, October 2011

 Characters:

Lowrie Anderson: a typical Shetland crofter in boiler suit and boots. 40-50, and vaguely good looking in an unkempt sort of way.

Ertie Anderson: his citified brother, dressed in a suit.

Jenna: a strapping lass well able to wrestle a reluctant sheep or pig (grice). Noticeably younger than Lowrie and Ertie.

Minnie: their aunt, an older crofter woman in a neon coloured pinnie and slippers. Ancient and doiting - or is she?

Baabie: Minna’s friend and contemporary. She has a secret in her past and is worried it’ll be discovered.

SCENE 1:

The scene at one end of the room is a traditional crofthouse: Rayburn, settee,a comfy  armchair on one side and an upright chair on the other, pot plants on windowsills, stuffed dog by the peat basket, etc. Music: a traditional fiddle tune.

Lowrie Anderson enters, peat bucket in hand. He’s looking a bit furtive. He takes down a very fat book entitled Notifiable Sheep Diseases, and begins to read it, sighing and shaking his head.  He jumps and covers up as his brother Ertie Anderson enters, trailing a flight bag.

Ertie as he goes round the audience:  Well, well, I see Shetland hasn’t changed much!  Still the same hole I left thirty years ago, with the same dreich weather – rain and wind.  change of manner to glee  Yes, it’s certainly plenty windy.

Lowrie:  Wha’s yon?

Ertie (serious knapping):  Hello, Laurence.

Lowrie: Weel, if it’s no me long lost bridder fae London, Ertie da big executive, turning up lik da prodigal son.

Ertie:  The prodigal son got more of a welcome.

Lowrie:  It’s the liks o dee that’s responsible fir the petrol prices up here. £1.50 a litre, £1.50!

Ertie:  I’m no in oil any more. I’m diversifying.

Lowrie:  I don’t believe dat for wan meenit. Der’s nae money in poetry.

Ertie looks blankly at him to let audience get joke and groan.

Lowrie: Whit’s du daeing here?

Ertie: Oh, just keeping ahead of the curve.

Lowrie:  Du’s doin whit?

Ertie:  It’s important to keep your foot on the gas.

Lowrie:  We hae nae gas. We’re all electric, except for the Rayburn.

Ertie:  It’s a figure of speech.  To get anywhere you have to be prepared to push the envelope out.

Lowrie:  Listen, boy, I ken fine du’s only here because du’s efter someting. Joost spit it oot in plain words.

Ertie:  Windmills.  I’ve seen the future.

Lowrie:  Crystal-ball gazing as well as poetry. Man, da big city’s turned dee wits.  No at du had dat mony tae begin wi.

Ertie:  The future’s green. 

Lowrie dangerously:  Ah’m beginning to see red.

Ertie: Look, I’ve been following this Viking Energy enterprise with considerable interest.

Lowrie:  Wir aa been doing dat.

Ertie: spreading out map.  The feasibility study says it all.  I knew this little croft of ours could be a goldmine some day.  Turbines, an access road, even one of the quarries, they could all go right here.  There’s just a few legal things we have to get straight first.

Lowrie:  Now let’s get dis straight, fir once an all.  Der nae windyboys going up here.

Ertie:  Think compensation money - think a percentage of the electricity it makes – think not one, not two but three wind turbines right here on this croft..

Lowrie: No tree, no twa, no een.  Nane.  An dat’s final.

Ertie:  You can still keep sheep around the turbine legs.

Lowrie:  I’m no haeing my sheep disturbed by yon muckle things.  Besides, I hae plans fir da croft.  I’m gaun tae “diversify” an all.

Ertie:  Doing what?

Enter Jenna, carrying a tin bucket.,

Jenna:  Wir Gricie’s no dat hungry da day.

Over her shoulder, reassuringly.

Jenna: Sho looks weel enyough.

Jenna exits into the kitchen.  We hear her telling Minnie that Grice’s just no eanen her meat.

Ertie: And who was that?

Lowrie:  I was trying tae tell dee!  Dat’s Jenna.  Sho’s wir neebor – well, her dad is.

Ertie: So what’s she doing in our kitchen?

Lowrie:  She’s efter me body.  Smugly  I might hae to gie it to her.

Enter Minnie, auntie to Lowrie and Ertie.

Minnie:  Lowrie, Jenna says Gricie’s refusing her maet.  I’ll need to go – She spots Ertie.

She picks up the poker in a menacing fashion.

Minnie: Is du back here again?

 Ertie quickly gets behind the couch.

Minnie:  I telt dee dastreen, we’ll hae nae insurance men apo dis croft. Leeyers and teefs, da lock o dem.  Noo git oot dat door.

Lowrie:  Haad fire, Auntie Minnie. It’s no an insurance man, it’s wir Ertie.

Minnie:  Ertie? Dee bridder Ertie?

Lowrie: Dat sam, turned up lik da bad penny he is, an aa set tae sell wis oot tae the highest bidder.  Pit doon dee poker an lat him oot.

Minnie:  Ertie?

Ertie coming out:  Hello, Auntie Minnie.

Minnie:  My, my, I’d nivver a kent dee.  What’s du doing noo?

Lowrie:  Don’t say insurance.

Ertie:  I’m still in the City.

Lowrie:  I wiss du wis.

Minnie: Ertie, is it?  Noo I look at dee I can tell du’s no dat whitteret dat was here dastreen, sneeking aboot. Ae look at dat face an I kent he wis up to nae good.

Lowrie:  Oh, I ken wha du’s on aboot noo.

Minnie:  I cleared him good and proper. I wasna gauin aff tae me Guild meeting leavin him sneestering aboot.

Lowrie:  Na, na, Auntie Minnie, dat wasna an insurance man –

Minnie:  He’ll no be back here.  I need to check wir peeerie Gricie’s no seek.  I’ll blame dee if sho is, boy Lowrie.  I telt dee, da back o a Berlingo’s no place for a ram.

Ertie:  What?

Lowrie hurriedly:  Never mind Auntie Minne.  She spiks a lock o bruck sometimes.  What I was trying tae tell dee wis, dat man at wis aroond dastreen wis fae Scottish National Heritage.  He’d come to look around wir parks.

Ertie:  Why?

Lowrie:  Dey’re mapping da standing stanes an du kens dir’s dat muckle een joost apo da broo o da hill.  Weel, I took him up to hae a scoit at it, an he cam doon dat excited. Man, it seems like ivvery stane apo da croft is history.  Da standing stane’s surrounded wi peerie Neolithic hooses an dykes and dir could even be a temple.

Ertie:  A load o old stones.

Lowrie:  Important old stanes dat havna tae be disturbed. Eence he gits back tae Edinburgh, dir’ll be nae windmills apo dis croft.

There is a startled cry, off.

Auntie Minnie:  Meerciful heevens! Jenna comes in from kitchen.  Auntie Minnie comes running in, carrying a pair of polished black  shoes, one in each hand, held well away from her.

Minnie:  I telt dat insurance man to get oot o here. Noo see what he’s done.  He’s been trying tae poison wir Gricie.

Lowrie:  What?

Minnie:  He’s faan into Gricie’s pen. Sho’s aeten him!     Horror – exit cast, towards pig pen.

End of scene 1.  The first course is served; actors eat theirs separately.

SCENE 2:

Characters re-enter.  Lowrie is carrying a basket.  He lifts one bloody half leg out, thoughtfully.

Lowrie: Strange sho left da ligs.  Du’d tink dere’d be good eating in a lig.

Ertie:  I feel sick.

Lowrie:  Ye, I’m no so sure I fancy wir Yule pork denner noo.  He brightens. Still, it’ll likely be passed trow her be dan.

Jenna:  Nivver ant dat. Whit ir we gaun tae do?

Minnie:  I’ll mak a cup o tay.  Exits

Lowrie:  Da cure for ivveryting, even gory shoon in grice pens.

Ertie:  We’ll need to declare it to the authorities.

Jenna:  Oh, A’m no sure ...

Lowrie:  I dinna tink we want to do that. Dir’ll be forms tae fill.  EU 5076/B, Bodies in Pig Pens, 325 pages.

Jenna:  It’ll gat wis into trouble.  Dey’ll say we sooda hid highter fences.  Da faimily’ll sue.

Ertie:  Well, you have third party liability.

Lowrie:  Insurance, here?  Boy, I hed tae send Auntie Minnie into toon tae shop fir da day joost tae phone and git da Landrover covered.

Jenna:  It’s queer at he didna joost clim oot again.

Lowrie:  Mebbe he hurt himself faain in.

Jenna:  I can’t see hoo he could.

Lowrie:  Hit himself apo da heid.

Jenna:  Du don’t suppose -   She looks significantly at the kitchen, where we hear Minnie chinking cups and humming to herself.

Lowrie:  - someen else hit him?  Naa –

Jenna:  Sho towt he wis an insurance man.

Lowrie:  Sho widna ha – wid sho?

Jenna:  Sho mighta.

Ertie:  You think Auntie Minnie knocked him over the head with something?

Lowrie:  Sho did tink he wis an insurance man, and sho was alone apo da croft.

Long pause.  They all listen to Auntie Minnie singing happily – eg death verse of Clementine.

Jenna:  Dir’s no a lock o him left.  We could joost ball him ida Rayburn, an if onyeen comes axing, we nivver saa him fae yisterday efternoon.

Ertie:  I’m having nothing to do with this.

Lowrie:  Weel, if du joost gits back whaur du cam fae, du’ll no hae tae worry aboot it.

Ertie:  I’ll be going as soon as I’ve organised these windmills.

Lowrie:  Now don’t du start on aboot dat again.  I’m telt dee.  Me an Jenna ir gaun tae develop dis laand.

Jenna:  Wir gaur tae stert up an organic fairm. Fresh vegetables and fruit, grown locally, tae supply da liks o Busta Hoose an da Mid-Brae Inn.

Ertie:  Fruit and vegetables, commercially, here?

Lowrie:  If dey can grow palm trees in Cunningsburgh, we can surely manage a cabbage or twa in Cole.

Ertie:  Half the croft’s mine.

Jenna:  What does du mean, da croft’s half dine?

Ertie: When Dad went, he drew up a paper saying the croft was to be shared between his children.

Lowrie:  Ssssht, du’ll upset Auntie Minnie.  Dinna mention wir faider.

Ertie:  Anyway, you’ll not get far with this organic farm plan if there’s Historic Scotland stuff in your fields.  There’s bound to be all sorts of regulations. 

Jenna:  I’m sure we can get aroond dem.

Lowrie: The man did say we couldn’t ploo dat piece, no athin 500 metres o ony o da stanes. 

Ertie:  That’s not going to leave much room for this organic farm o yours.  Are you sure it wasn’t you pushed him into that pig pen?

Lowrie:  Dat’s an aafil ting tae say tae dee ain bridder.

MInnie re-enters.

Minnie:  Noo, noo. boys, twa meenits dagidder, and you’re scrapping.

Ertie: Half o this croft’s mine, and if I want to put wind turbines on it, dan I will.

Lowrie:  Ower my deid body.

Ertie:  I’ll phone my lawyer.

Lowrie:  Why, is he an undertakker an aa?

Minnie:  But du canna divide da croft in half.  It’s no big enyough.

Jenna:  Da hoose’ll be a bit o a squeeze.

Lowrie:  Nivver leet, Auntie Minnie, du can bide in my half.

Minnie:  Share a bedroom wi dee?  Lowrie Anderson, hoo can du tink o such a thing?

Ertie ignores this - takes out mobile and moves into corner, back to the audience.

Minnie:  I kent he’d bring trouble.  Turning me oot o my ain hame.

Lowrie:  Good luck wi getting a signal.

Noise at front door, scraping of feet etc.

Lowrie:  Wha’s dis noo?

Looks out of ‘window’. 

Lowrie:  Baabie Thomson.  I mighta kent.

Jenna:  Lift dat kishie, quick!

Lowrie:  Sho’ll a seen wir Ertie an come hot-fit to find oot wha he is an whit he’s doin. 

Jenna:  Here, pat dis cloot ower it.

Minnie:  Dat’s a clean tablecloot.  Du kens what lik blood is tae get oot.

Jenna:  It’s an emergency, Auntie Minnie.

Minnie:  I’ll git dee an auld dishcloot.

She snatches up the tablecloth and  exits into the kitchen.

Lowrie: I suppose wir had peace fae Baabie fir aa o twa days.

Jenna:  Oh, wis sho no ower dastreen?  I towt I saa her at da door.

Lowrie:  I widna ken, I was –

Jenna:  Du wis whit?

Lowrie:  I canna mind.  Up in da upper parks, I tink.  Oot aboot somewye.

Jenna looks suspicious, but can’t say any more as Baabie comes in. Lowrie hastily stands in front of the kishie.  Baabie looks agitated.

Baabie:  Noo den bairns, is Minnie aboot?

Lowrie:  Sho’s joost ida keetchen.  Auntie Minnie!

He remains hiding the basket as Minnie comes out, tea towel in hand. She gives it to him.  He hides the kishie.

Lowrie: I’ll joost – joost geng an maet da hens.  See dee later, Baabie.

He and Jenna exit ‘outside’.

Minnie:  Noo, den, Baabie, what’s all up wi dee?

Baabie: Oh, Minnie, I’m dat worried. Wir Joanie said dat dir’d been a man up ida parks yisterday.

Minnie:  Dat insurance man.  I kent his face right awa.

Baabie:  Joanie said he wis examinin da standin stane.

Minnie:  Da standin stane?

Baabie:  Lookin right closs at it, wir Joanie said.  Minnie, whit am I going tae do?

Minnie:  Do aboot whit?

Baabie:  Da standin stane!  Du minds – lang syne, we cairved wir initials –

Minnie:  We did?

Baabie:  No dee an me!   Me an -  She whispers in Minnie’s ear.

Minnie:  Oh!  Ye, I mind.  Listen, lass, dir’s nae need tae worry aboot dat.  Dat man’s geen noo, an he’ll no come back.  Dee secret’s safe enyough.

Baabie:  Is du certain?

Minnie:  Ye, certain sure.  Now come du in by an hae a cup o tay.

End of scene 2.  The first course plates are now cleared. Jenna, Lowrie, Ertie, Baabie and Minnie come and mingle with the audience, chatting – ‘Ir you haeing a fine time?’ etc. – as if it’s a Hall Christmas Doo.  Be prepared to draw them into asking questions:  eg Ir you hed a waak up tae wir standin stane?  Hit’s a boanie view – ‘  or  ‘I’m braaly dubious aboot wir Erite reappearing lik dat.  He’s up tae nae good -  ‘ or ‘Did du see dat Scottish Heritage man aboot wir door dastreen?  I dinna ken what time he wis here – ‘